Gottman Method couples therapy, developed by John Gottman, is a commonly used psychotherapy with a strong and unique research base. Gottman developed this therapy through observation of couples in the “love lab” – an apartment that couples would stay in so that communication and behaviors could be observed. Gottman sought to understand predictors of marriages that would stay together, and predictors of marriages that would dissolve.
Gottman’s work in couples therapy indicates that relationships degrade over time in a cascading effect. The root causes can be manifold – job stress, the addition of children to the home, interference of in-laws, health status changes – to name a few.
The relational factors identified in the degradation of a partner relationship are:
Criticism – While constructive criticism is a part of a healthy relationship, some types of criticism are personal, reinforce unhealthy power dynamics, and feel like attacks. Non-constructive criticism of a partner’s personality is damaging to partner relationships.
Defensiveness – Defensiveness can arise from repeated personal criticisms. When criticism runs amok, it is natural to become defensive. Sometimes, however, defensiveness can arise from a lack of personal accountability or to deflect blame from one’s own misstep.
Contempt – Contempt is a statement that insults a partner from a position of superiority. Contempt statements are typically aimed at gaining the “upper hand”. The hallmark of contempt is a clear lack of respect for one’s partner such as making nasty comments about a partner’s appearance, ability, or choice of vocation.
Stonewalling – Stonewalling is the final stage of the cascade, where one or both partners start to avoid communication altogether. This may come in the form of always “being busy” when the other person wants to communicate, or flatly ignoring direct communication (e.g. “the silent treatment”).
However, Gottman’s work also lays out a path for repairing relationships through principles that are correlated with successful marriages. He outlines seven specific principles that make partner relationships work. The goal of Gottman Method therapy is fairly simply, and somewhat non-directive: To decrease behaviors and sentiments that degrade the relationship and increase behaviors and sentiments that improve the relationship.
The seven principles that help relationships work are:
1 – Building Love Maps – developing a schema of your partner’s “inner life”- their thoughts, hopes, desires, and expectations.
2 – Nurturing Fondness and Admiration – when we have been in relational conflict, we have to sometimes re-learn what we like and admire about each other.
3 – Turning To One Another – A process in which we rely on each other in appropriate ways for support.
4 – Taking a Positive Perspective – Learning to see the good in our partners and focusing less on negative qualities.
5 – Managing Conflict – Learning how to communicate in a conflict and de-escalate unproductive conflict. Improving use of emotional content in conflict and owning and hearing emotions.
6 – Life Dreams – Working toward big life goals together and supporting each individual’s unique goals.
7 – Creating Shared Meaning – when partners have important rituals and symbols that help re-affirm the meaning of the relationship.
The work of the therapist in couples’ therapy is to help couples mobilize and sustain positive factors by finding and working through specific obstacles.
